my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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