dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
