I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
