Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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