what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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