Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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