I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
