I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
