he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize