Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
