why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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