1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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