OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
