just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ketchup is God's man juice
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize