so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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