i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
where are you?
Hypothermia
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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