why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my liver is dry heaving
The dick lei will go down in squad history
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
