My cat gives me a boner
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
