Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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