I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
