We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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