I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
