Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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