My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
