I just threw up on my dentist
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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