Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
