I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
