Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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