my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
