is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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