I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
