I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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