can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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