I think I died a long time ago.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
