So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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