I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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