How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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