Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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