I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
ttyl tear gas
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize