census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
