new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize