Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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