i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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