Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I party with great urgency now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize