hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
