This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
