PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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