I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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