also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
