I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she smelled like a LAN party
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
