Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am naked and annoyed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
