I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
