I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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