Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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