i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
