Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
