she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
