she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize