guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
