the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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