My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
