im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize