Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My dick has a subreddit
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
