I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
